Listen, before we start Americans, we should probably declare an interest in this article. You see, we actually sell kettles.
Please don’t misunderstand us though. Just because we sell kettles – it doesn’t mean that we don’t love them. It doesn’t mean that we don’t care who offers a lifetime home to our friendly, loyal and deserving water-boiling cuties. It doesn’t mean that we’re kettle traffickers who want nothing more than to separate you from your hard-earned cash whether we’re helping you meet the right kettle for you or not.
We just want what’s best for everyone involved in the kettle community.
Good. Then let us tell you… the top 7 things you can do with a kettle!
- Use it as a fantastic kitchen ornament!
For years, people made the mantlepiece the focal point of their home; a place for all kind of knick-knacks. Then along comes central heating, the decline of the mantlepiece and suddenly the heart has gone out of abodes up and down the country. Which room can you go to now when you want to stare admiringly at an inanimate object?
Why not the kitchen? Simply park the kettle of your choice on the worktop, pull up a chair and look on enraptured.
2. Pretend you’re a man preparing to deliver a baby on a sitcom
“Oh my god! She’s having the baby! She’s having the baby right here! What should I do?!”
“Go and get some towels and boil some water”, replies a mate you’ve convinced to play a female neighbour/relative/police officer.
Hours of fun.
3. Steam open some letters
Obviously, the sanctity of the Royal Mail is a serious business and tampering with mail is a criminal offence. That’s why we recommend that you only steam open your own mail. Initially, this may not seem like quite enough of an adrenaline rush. That’s why we also recommend that you’ve previously booby-trapped your kitchen with a variety of obstacles inspired by the Indiana Jones movies. You know the kind of things. A giant rolling stone ball, a pit of snakes and – deadliest of all – a terrible script about some crystal skulls.
4. Imagine you’re an 80s pop star
You’ve ripped your jeans, practised your miming and bleached your hair until it looks like platinum but feels like straw. You’re all set. Switch on that kettle, watch the steam emanate and imagine you’re on Top of the Pops (one of the alright episodes presented by someone who wasn’t later arrested) as the dry ice billowed. Except… do remain at a safe enough distance from the steam to avoid any injury.
What we’re saying is – don’t be a hero. Even though Bonnie Tyler’s crying out for one.
5. Fill it with wine and act like it’s some kind of pirate jug
People don’t seem to drink straight out of a jug anymore, which is all the more of a travesty when you consider how hard it is to go to any style-bar these days without ending up drinking out of a jam jar.
Don’t you wish things could be different? Don’t you wish it was a life on the open seas for you? Don’t you feel the need to pick up a kettle, flip open the top, fill it with it with wine purloined from a Spanish galleon (well, bought from Tesco’s) and shout “Shiver me timbers!”?
Don’t boil the wine. Using your kettle to mull wine may invalidate the warranty.
6. Push it under your jumper and pretend to be pregnant
The great thing about this is that it can also be combined with suggestion 2.
Also, it works whether you’re a man or a woman. Different types of humour involved, granted. The former being absurdist humour and the latter lending itself more to the dark humour of inviting round an ex who you haven’t seen for about 6 months.
7. Boil some water, then make and drink the hot beverage of your choice
OK, so you’ve decided to go old school with your kettle usage. Well, hey, nobody’s judging you for that. In fact, our studies indicate that as many as 73% of people who use kettles are actually using them to boil water for the preparation of hot beverages.
And taking into account the number of people who reply to surveys in an intentionally erroneous manner for the sheer thrill of it – that figure could even be as high as 74%.
I never knew there was so much that I could with a kettle – but where can I get one?!
That’s a smart question that you’ve just asked. A very smart question. You’re obviously a very smart person. And we’re not just saying that because we’re now about to try to sell you a kettle.
But if you thought that was the reason why then you’re a very smart person.
And if you didn’t think that then you’re still a very smart person.
We’re going to come right out and say it – we really like you. We really like you and we’d be honoured if you’d buy a kettle from us.
Did we mention that we sell kettles?