What if there was a war tomorrow? What if that war started in your house? What if your kitchen became the front-line and you found yourself having to dig a trench to try to hold your position while enemy forces launched mortar rounds from next to the washing machine?

It may sound far-fetched now but is it something that you can afford to rule out? Think about it. Repeat our words back to yourself in the sombre tone of Michael Parkinson offering you a carriage clock. It doesn’t sound so far-fetched now, does it?

That’s why it’s time to stop messing about and start behaving like a grown-up. Someone with real responsibilities. Someone who has a kettle in their kitchen that’s of an appropriate colour for camouflaged jungle warfare.